5 signs you shouldn’t let your mate have another drink

I know it doesn’t take much to know when your friends have had too much to drink, but just in case you’re unsure here is a handy guide of 5 key signs for you to remember. So no matter where you are, on an Amsterdam stag do or just your standard Saturday night down the local, this guide will prove to be invaluable.

Lack of balance

Balance is usually one of the first things to be affected by booze, as you’ve probably noticed when you stand up too quickly to ‘break the seal’ and make your first toilet trip of the evening. Every drunk feels a little wobbly at some point during the evening; however a friend’s inability to keep their balance whilst sat stationary on a chair should set the alcohol alarm bells ringing. There will be no more shandies for this gentleman, just a mild case of concussion.

Public urination

I know that queues for nightclub toilets can get frustratingly long, but you never see a drunken guy urinating against the DJ booth (I haven’t anyway), yet once you leave the club it’s not uncommon to see a steady stream of uhhh, streams. An alleyway, bins, doorways, stray dogs, anywhere is fair urination game for drunken men. If your mate even looks like he might start peeing in public then make sure you nip that one in the bud, the last thing anyone wants from a night out is a nice little fine from one of the boys in blue.

Booze snoozing

We’ve all seen it, and I’ll bet a lot of us have even done it ourselves, sleeping on a night out. The friend who you’ll find slumped on a table / toilet floor / other drunk person is more often than not the same friend who just minutes earlier was declaring their intention ‘to party until the sun comes up, and then some’. Maybe the excitement of endless partying is just too much for an inebriated brain to deal with? Whatever it is, if you see one of your friends sleeping on a night out then it’s too late for them. Worse still, you now have to carry him home.

The Literal Bar Crawl

When your friend starts acting like one of our four legged friends you know it is game over for him. If he is crawling up the stairs in a club and annoying everyone else then chances are you won’t have long before the bouncers chuck him out on his ear anyway. Try and avoid that by carrying him out yourself, there’s an iota of dignity in that compared to everyone seeing him get manhandled through the club as he protests his non-existent sobriety. The general rule of thumb here is, "no standy, no shandy."

Praying to the porcelain god

The ultimate sign that someone has had far too much to drink and one that needs no explanation. I’ve included it here anyway as the ultimate sign that no more alcohol should be consumed by the sicky friend in question. Some may like to mask it as a ‘Tactical Chunder (which is usually encouraged by a manual override, or the two fingers down the throat trick as it is probably better known)’ but the bottom line is they’ve been sick, they’ve vommed, icked, blown chunks, heaved, hurled, puked, spewed, up chucked, ralphed, made a pavement pizza, I really could go on all day with these. No matter how you put it, this is when you know it is time to get your mate and his vomit breath home, no woman wants a piece of that.